Kids Will Tear You Apart

If you ever thought about teaching English in Japan you better be ready.  In Japanese schools, kids are pretty rough.  Classes can range from super orderly to utter chaos, depending highly upon their homeroom teacher, the neighborhood or area you teach, and/or your own personality.  For the most part the first few months teaching in public schools in Japan is pretty good.  Kids are genuinely interested in you because you are the new thing at school and you take away from the monotony of the daily grind.  If you are an energetic teacher kids feed off that energy and typically have a good time.

But at some point kids take off the mask of kindness and can get damn near rude if not super aggressive.  You'll get kids sticking their fingers in your bum hole, grabbing your penis, breasts, buttocks and just about anywhere else on your person.  You'll be swarmed by kids between classes because they are lounging about in the hallways.  In Japan it's typical to see several dozen kids running around the hallways and going in and out of the playground between lessons. 

Kids will rip you apart if you have any chink in your armor.  For me, it's male pattern baldness.  Kids often call me baldy or whatever.  I really don't mind because I'd rather be bald.  It's a pain in the ass to wash my hair, comb it, cut it, keep it neat and all that.  And in Japan with the humidity in the summer it is a nightmare to have hair in all honesty.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm no chrome dome, but I am headed that direction.  It doesn't bother me when kids single that out at all.  But for some colleagues it's a rough row to hoe when dealing with kids' cruel and vicious behavior.

One female teacher I know got pounced on because she wears perfume to school.  Kids would tell her she stinks and things like that.  Another colleague is overweight and kids call him tubby or hurtful words about his rotundness.  Japanese teachers also face this but often out of resentment or rage by the kids.  They often tell teachers to die, buzz off, or call them stupid or ugly.  Most Japanese flare up and get angry with the kids only making more fuel for their insult fire.

I think that kids try to find the thing that they can use to penetrate you and get you upset.  If you just let it buzz right by and not take issue with it, the teasing lasts about a day and then it's back to business as usual.  If you try to tackle it, by forcing kids to stop the behavior you will succeed but in doing so you will alienate the children from you and it will be tough to teach them.

That said, one should never tolerate harassment and aggression if it is making your life intolerable and you feel defeated.  I have never felt that way luckily and am always glad to hear kids calling me baldy.  I think it's kind of their way of letting me into their circle and making me one of their group.  And I don't care about being bald or not.  I just love teaching them.

EIKEN STUDY

The EIKEN is a standardized test that many Japanese take to evaluate their English ability.  The tests cover reading, writing, speaking and listening and have many elements to contend with including grammar, vocabulary, spelling and punctuation. 

My junior high students have asked me to prepare materials and content to study for the EIKEN test in Japan.  I was asked to prepare test booklets, study resources and materials that will help them achieve good results.  I have about 9 students who are studying for it and they are all looking to target different levels.  4 are going for the 3rd level exam, 3 are going for the pre-2nd level, and 1 is going for the 2nd-level exam and one for the pre-1st level.

So I spent about 2-3 hours yesterday during my free time printing up loads of materials for the kids to study.  I got them all the past year's tests as well as speaking activity, booklets, and a word list of 2000 commonly used English vocabulary that kids should know by the time they graduate.  For the pre-1st, he'll need to know about 8000-9000 vocabulary words so I plan on upping his to a level more appropriate next week.

I also am going to assign each kid reading material, specifically graded readers from the penguin and Cambridge reader selections to be completed over the holidays.  I have about 2600 readers that  have gathered over my many years as a teacher and will assign them books to read based on their levels.  I plan to give them a CD with the PDF books to read on their computers, tablets or smartphones over the summer holiday.
                               
I hope that by giving them good quality, interesting stories that use the 95/5 principle to get them excelling in reading as well as prepping them to tackle the EIKEN. The 95/5 rule is basically that children should know 95 percent of the vocabulary in a text with 5 percent unknown to grow and excel.  Any less than that and it is too difficult, any more and it is too easy and children will lose interest.  Of course I also plan to tackle the speaking and listening parts as well.  We will have a mock test in August to assess their weaknesses and strengths.  Preparing for the EIKEN is a tough job.  I hope they do well.

Old School TV Show For New Age Elementary Kids

It's mid-July and in Japan that doesn't mean midway through summer vacation. Summer vacation starts about the third week of July and ends the third week of August, roughly a month to a month and a half. As it is the last lesson I will teach this term I decided to take a break from the book, the worksheets, and give kids a rest with an audio-visual.

I choose last week to show the animated film "The Iron Giant" to my junior high students. The film is 90 minutes or so and fits comfortably in a 2 lesson block. That left me with what to do with my elementary kids. I thought I could show them the same film but their lessons are 45 minutes and with greetings, roll call and so on that gives us about 35-40 minutes of useful time to watch something.

So I scoured the web and found a good youtube video of the series from ALF. If you are unfamiliar, ALF is a 1980s sitcom about an alien life form ALF that crashes on the roof of a garage of a family. The family then take the ALF in and he becomes part of their home. I got very lucky and was able to find the pilot episode and some English subtitles to match. I looked everywhere for Japanese subtitles but couldn't find anything. It would help kids to understand the plot better.

But after showing the program and hearing all the laughter, watching kids sit fixated for the full 22-minutes I was pleased and impressed. Kids really enjoyed this throwback from the 80s and many said they would try to find a rental or youtube video in Japanese to watch at home. After the film I asked many questions and kids that answered first and correctly got a sticker. It was a great break from the humdrum of studying and I think kids genuinely liked ALF. I'm glad I got to share a part of my childhood with them.

Typhoons: Nightmares For Teachers in Japan

Typhoons thrash Japan from typically the end of June to the beginning of October.  There are typically between 15-20 typhoons a year in a season and unlike the rest of the world that names the typhoons anthropomorphically, Japan just numbers them.  So now we'd have Typhoon 12, and the next one will be typhoon 13.  Kind of boring, easy to forget, and I think that's due to the frequency and relative lack of danger/damage caused. 

That's not to say people don't get injured or homes and businesses don't get destroyed.  Oh to the contraire, every year several dozens are killed not due to the typhoon itself but lack of forethought.  Someone will be walking close to the ocean, a giant wave comes in and sweeps them out to see.  An older person is out riding their bicycle and a huge gust of wind sweeps them off into a fast death.  These types of deaths are not necessarily due to the typhoon's destructive force but instead due to lack of forethought and caution on the part of those killed or maimed. 
                                       
Teachers in Japan have to often confront these forces due to the nature of the work ethic in Japan.  What I am talking about is during a dangerous typhoon or any inclement weather that could likely injure children, school is cancelled and children are asked not to come due to the risk of bodily injury.  However, teachers are not exempt from work.  They must come to work regardless of weather conditions as a public teacher.  Often during some of the biggest storms of the year as a teacher you must brazenly venture to work, often at the risk of personal injury.    Only if public transportation is unavailable can you possible get off due to inclement weather.

If the trains, buses, taxis, etc. are in service you are required to be at work.  If they are not in service you still have to visit the stations and get a certificate from them to excuse you from your work duties.  It's an insanely bureaucratic system but it's Japan.  Often times when I cycle to work, I have to do so in typhoon conditions, snow, ice, sleet, and have grown accustomed to it, however, it's still a risk and many of my colleagues and cohorts just take a day off from work during these times rather than taking the risk of injury or death.  Typhoons are teacher's worst nightmares when commuting to work! Ping Google

The Mimic

I have a kid in one of my junior classes that mimes and mimics everything I say or do.  He is a nice kid and always smiles but his behavior is disturbing.  He often mimics not only actions but words, instructions, mannerisms, coughs and any other thing he can.  I have told him to stop and often the homeroom teachers do too but I have come to the conclusion he has a mental issue.  He often mimics his classmates too and he has ostracized himself and built a wall between he and his classmates due in large part to this weird mimic issue he has.

It's like he's trying out for a Hollywood role or something like that.  I don't know how to stop him so I have resigned to ignoring it and trying to flow along with the lesson as best I can.  He knows he is disturbing everyone but it's an obsessive behavior that he can't control even after being lectured, scolded or punished.  The other teachers just tell me to pretend not to notice because that's the only thing that seems to work.  But it sure does make for an odd lesson.

Banshee Girl Screaming Fits of Death

Today I taught 4 classes back to back in the morning.  I enjoy flowing along from one class to another and today was as smooth as a baby's backside.  The kids in my classes enjoyed the lessons a lot and we seemed to have a good time singing, learning new vocabulary, and practicing pairing adjectives to nouns. 

















So after lunch, I come to the teacher's room to catch up on some paperwork and take my break for the day.  When suddenly in comes this wailing, crying girl who looks like Hell Boy because her face is so red from crying so loudly.  A couple of teachers and the school nurse come dashing up to her and ask what's wrong.

She says, "My stomach is hurting."  And she goes back to crying like a banshee.  Well the teachers looked worried and they started asking her if she got injured, fell down, was hit, etc... Every answer came back no.  They then asked did she eat breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday.  The replies were all yes.  So they started probing a little further and one teacher seemed to get what was going on.

She asked the little girl, "When was the last time you went to the bathroom?"  The little girl replied, "Before lunch."  So then the teacher asked, "When was the last time you made a poo?"  The little girl didn't reply.  So the teacher asked again.  Finally she said, "The other day."  The teacher needed more clarification so she asked her for a specific date.  The little girl said, "On Monday."

It had been 4 days since she had pooped.  Her system was backlogged, and was in dire need of a flushing.  So the nurse took the girl to the toilet with orders for her to sit there and push, grunt, and squeeze until a big one plopped out.  And off they went.

I don't know if she managed to relieve herself but I can say I didn't hear anymore crying for the rest of the day!

1st Grade Hell Cats

Today I had to teach at a school that is really tiny and was told to teach the 2nd grade and 1st grade classes.  Each class has less than 15 students with 1 class per grade level.  I love teaching at this school and enjoy every day.  Normally I teach 5th and 6th grade kids here but this week they wanted me to try to teach the younger kids.  I didn't have much time to prepare as I am rarely at the school and usually my materials are geared toward the older students.  But I always have some backup lessons ready to fall back to in case of situations like these.

So I teach the 2nd grade class first today and everything went smoothly.  The kids listened well, we sang songs, practiced flash cards and had a really fun time.  Another ICT teacher videoed my lesson for some reason.  I really thought the class went well.  Kids left in high spirits and so did I.

Then I went to the 2nd period class with the 1st graders.  Oh man oh man oh man.  These kids were little hell cats.  It's like someone shot sugar straight into their circulatory systems.  They were jacked up and roaring to go.  Kids couldn't sit down, couldn't listen, etc.. They were standing on chairs, jumping around, acting silly to the point that I couldn't teach.

So I stopped class for about 5 minutes and gave them a stern talk about following rules, listening, not standing on chairs and so on.  The kids listened but I could tell I wasn't getting it through so I pitted them against another school I teach at.  Those 1st graders at the other school are well-behaved, proper and good children.  The moment I told the hell cats that the other school was better, they quickly straightened up, listened, and followed all rules with vigor.

Sometimes you just have use a little psychology and competition to make kids toe the line.  These hell cats turned into kittens in no time and our lesson turned out fun, exciting and great.

Volunteering at an Orphanage

On Sunday I visited an orphanage with about 12 other foreigners.  This orphanage houses kids who have been removed by court order due to abuse, neglect, violence, or other mitigating circumstances.  We visited for 2 hours in the afternoon and admittedly I was a little nervous about being at the orphanage.  I had never volunteered at an orphanage before so I had no idea what to expect.  I was worried the kids might be timid, shy and anti-social.  I was worried they would have visible scars and be afraid to talk with us.  Boy was I wrong.

From the moment we walked in to the moment we left, kids swarmed us with hugs, punches, horse play, and a barrage of jokes.  They really were some of the warmest sweetest kids I've encountered in Japan.  They took to us like a duck to water despite having only met them that day.  I was really taken aback because most Japanese kids are really shy and quiet especially in public and around strangers.  But these kids were amazing and they kept us moving and grooving the entire time.

We were there as a sort of emissary to teach English as well as brighten up their day.  We played lots of games, read story books, colored, and just horsed around with the kids for the full two hours.  It was piping hot in the room we visited despite having an air-conditioner  that was blasting us with cold air.  But in all honesty it was the funniest time I have had with kids since being in Japan.  I look forward to the next time we visit them at the orphanage.

Toilet Invasion

Yesterday I was sitting all by my lonesome working on a steamy hot number two.  I seldom use school toilets because teachers share these with kids.  But at this school luckily there is a teacher only toilet that we can use.  Once in a while a special education student will use it as well.  Why I say this now becomes relevant later in the story.

So I am sitting on the porcelain throne working up a deuce when suddenly I hear yelling.  I am wondering what's going on but I was in my element at the time and pretty secure behind the locked door of the men's toilet.  Suddenly, a female staff member busts in the toilet yelling a student's name.  I remained silent because I thought this person was off their rocker.

It was the school nurse, and she is known in this school to be a bit mental.  She is extremely obsessive-compulsive, quite erratic and has fought in our teacher's room with varying staff and administration.  I steer clear of her as much as I can but she had me trapped.  She was frantically searching for the special education student and her target was my toilet stall. 

She lunged at the toilet door hand so ferociously that the locking mechanism jumped out of the slot and the door swung open.   There I sat, pants down around the ankles, in eternal bliss after squeezing out a hot one, with her gawking at me.  I stared back at her and squeaked out in Japanese "I'm in the middle of toileting."  She recoiled, bowed deeply and said, "Sorry, Sorry.  So sorry.  すみません.  So sorry.  Sorry."  Then as quickly as she entered she was gone.  It really was the craziest thing that has ever happened to me at school.   From now on I think I will take my deuces at home, I don't want to risk another invasion.

Hockey = Hooker: A Spelling Mistake

At the beginning of the school year in April one of my classroom Japanese teacher's of English requested students to make posters about me.   She made 3 class periods devoted to doing the exercise.  First we brainstormed in teams.  With 40 kids, she broke them into 10 groups, 4 students in each with a total of 10 posters per class.  We have 4 classes so that's 40 posters we made in 3 weeks' worth of lessons.  On the second day of the activity students took turns asking me lots of questions.  What my favorites were, my hobbies, full name, age, work/life experiences etc...  We finished it up with some fantastic posters with my face drawn on all of them and information about me.  Some kids are extremely talented.

So I put up the posters, all 40 of them after the JTE checked them and I spot checked them.  Everything looked great and we filled a hallway full of "Big Booger" posters!  Kids, faculty, and even a few parents liked the idea.  The Vice Principal even put up images on the school homepage!  It was amazing.

But I was walking down the hallway and carefully looking at the posters when I came up on one.  My jaw dropped... I couldn't believe it.  Under the category of favorites, was HOOKER!!!!!  I was stunned.  I quickly ran down to the supply room, got a pen and crossed that out.   The student had meant to write hockey but actually spelled hooker!  So in essence it was saying my favorite thing was hookers!  That taught me to be extra cautious and pay close attention in the future for things like this.  This goes without saying but I am stating it for the record I don't like hookers.  I like hockey.

Friday the 13th, Enkai Edition

 

Throughout the year, almost all teachers participate in after school events and parties.  In Japan these are typically called "enkai" 宴会.  They are typically held at nice restaurants with great food, all-you-can-drink beer, and some sort of planned activities for the evening.  Following the "enkai" is the second, third and sometimes fourth after party.  Each after party is usually held at a bar, pub, or karaoke.  The "enkai" is a great way for teachers to air out the dirty laundry, reduce stress, socialize, complain, enjoy and just exhale and let themselves enjoy the night.












This past Friday, I had an enkai at a beer garden.  A beer garden being an all-you-can-drink place usually on the top of a roof of some high-rise building with usually cheap but plentiful food.  This time we had Chinese food that was quite good and the beer flowed faster than Niagara Falls.  I drank quite a bit and even pre-gamed with a can of beer before the party.  Needless-to-say I was quite stress free by the end of the party.  I really enjoy "enkai" events and look forward to them every time.

Ask A Friend

One of my colleagues came up with a great idea to get a group of native English teachers together to answer questions from our school's junior high school students.  We basically made question boxes and had kids write down questions and then pop them in the box.  After we gather the questions we then sort them and ask via a message board we set up to allow for question answering.

The kids thus far have asked some great questions from my group as well as the other groups that I am involved with.  Questions range from "What is the meaning of life?", "Do you like ugly people?"  "Of the three, dogs, cats and fish, which do you like best?"  to all sorts of other questions.  About 20 natives are participating and it's going rather well.

After answering, each teacher in their respective schools puts up an answer poster in the school.  Kids really enjoy it and often read the replies from the native teachers.  Many kids get excited when they see that one of their answers was selected.  I am quite happy to have gotten this idea from a collaboration with a colleague and value it.

I Like Sex

You do not know how many times over the course of 15 years I have heard the phrases "I like sex," "Do you like penis?", "Do you eat vaginas?" and almost every time it's typically a boy between the ages of 10 and 15 and they come to you and expect you to react in an explosive way.  I typically just laugh or ignore that silliness and the lack of response usually nullifies future behavior.  But I have heard the gambit of sex talk from kids.

Take last week for example when I was at an elementary school.  I visit this school once every other week and have a pretty good relationship with the kids.  In the toilet I was approached by two boys and one comes up to me and just say "Penis".  Then he says, "Do you have a penis?"  I had just taught them the phrase "Do you have ~~?"  And "How many ~ do you have?"  So I was thrilled he was using the phrases correctly.  This time I pretended to misunderstand his English and replied "No I'm sorry I don't have any pretzels."  To this both boys laughed and ran off thinking I didn't have a penis.

But I have had kids ask me if I like vaginas, how many girlfriends I have done it with, do I like boobies (they say opai in Japanese) or if I like anuses.  I have really heard all sorts of weird and strange stuff and I just chalk it up to kids being curious, hormone changes and the lack of proper sexual education in Japanese schools.  Sex is a taboo subject and by making it taboo you get kids that are directed to use those words.  Their regular teachers never talk to them about these subjects and kids often view the foreign teacher as a person they trust and can chit chat with due to the rarity of time that I get a chance to see them. 

They even often look up the words in a dictionary so they can come to me and ask me if I like it.  I had a kid the other day ask me do you like a clitoris... Part of me thinks it is great they are attempting to use English and look up words in a dictionary and use patterns of English that I have taught them but another part things it's totally inappropriate to use these words openly and in the way they do.  So I tend to applaud their use of English but ignore, or reprimand perverted conversation.  These are just some of the weird things you have to deal with as a foreign language teacher in Japan. 

Sports Day Training: A Teacher's Nightmare

Japanese kids and teachers really put an exorbitant amount of effort into preparing and training for Sports Day.  Sports Day is basically a day of track and field with some games and performances thrown in the mix to make it an all day event for parents to come and see.  Many members of the community, elders and city officials also usually show up for this event.  There is music, marching, class flags, a brass band, and many many sweaty and hot kids, parents and teachers moving around frantically to put on this all day long program.

Teachers take weeks to prepare for this day. For example this year my junior high Sports Day begins on June 6th but preparation for it began back in April.  Teachers, especially PE teachers and homeroom teachers are running at full pace two weeks before the even begins.  Training is every day for at least 2 hours for each grade level.  The final week kids and teachers do one full day practice, and then several rehearsals thereafter before the big day.  So by the time the full day event comes everyone is completely on board with the program. Kids are trained and drilled to step and march in time, to sit, walk, and move synchronously and to keep things flowing smoothly and fluidly.  It's on par with something you'd see out of the North Korean military!

It is an intense, exhausting time and typically the sun zaps away your energy, burns you to a crisp and leaves you feeling lethargic and out of commission.  The really fun thing is after the sports day, teachers usually gather for a beer drinking binge to throw away the stress.  I've done this for about 15 years and at first I thought it was a complete waste of time, but over time I realize it has merits for Japanese society and I think that is why many in Japan hold on to Sports Day as a cultural and ideological asset.  But man does it suck and make you exhausted!

I've Got a Girlfriend

Last week I taught around 20 lessons and as always had a great time.  I enjoy talking with kids and feel I have developed a close relationship with them that goes beyond just work and into leaving a lasting impression on children.  Friday I was approached in the toilet of all places by a very affable boy who is a 3rd grade junior high student.  In the restroom Japanese dudes often chat me up for some strange reason.  This includes kids and adults.  It's like the toilet is the hang out location and you can chat freely.  So this boy comes up to me while I am in mid stream and says "Sensei.  Sensei.  Look at this.  Take a look, take a look."  He held in his hands a tiny little letter that some girl had scrawled out a message on with cute pictures and cute characters.  The message was addressed to him and signed by another girl in his class.

At this point most people would think this is normal but in Japan it's really strange to talk about lovers, boyfriends/girlfriends etc..  So this kid coming up to me while I am taking a whiz in the toilet was quite odd.  But he was beaming.  So after handling business he talked to me about his girl and that he was going to ask her out after receiving this love letter from her.  He was so bright and so happy.  I hope his romance takes root and he can be happy with her.   I just hope he can contain his happiness because when I left him he looked like he was heading off to space on the trip of a lifetime!

Swarmed By Children

Teaching English in Japan is such an awesome experience.  Every day kids do some of the craziest and funniest stuff you will witness.  I am constantly bombarded by kids trying to get me to sign their notebooks, draw pictures for them, or just talk with them in English or Japanese.  Every time I visit an elementary school it's like being a member of One Direction and getting attacked by 200-300 kids trying their best to grab your attention.

Sometimes it's fun and happy attention.  Kids will come up randomly and say "My name is Tanaka Kumi.  What's your name?"  Or "何人ですか。”　(What's your nationality?)  I often answer them and it's really fund leaving kids with a great impression of westerners and how energetic, happy and caring we can be.  I want kids to know that no matter what they have a friend in me.

Well some kids take that to heart and before long, bony fingers go plunging for your bum old, or little hands try to grab your package.  Often times kids run all over you and try to tickle you.  Most of the times its playful and if you are skilled you can nip it in the bud from the get go by announcing "NO TOUCHING MY PRIVATES!!!"  Or something like that in a big, clear voice with a powerful connotation.  Kids get they've crossed the line and most times they will stop.

But some kids, let's call them the future perverts and stalkers of Japan, they just won't stop regardless of what you do.  It's these kids that make a day really tough.  You'll be strutting down the hallway and all of a sudden bam, a finger goes right up your butt hole.  Or they'll smack you in the sensitive regions leaving you in pain.  Female colleagues often have their breasts stroked, flummoxed, flipped, pinched and so on.  Kids are of course curious but these kids of behaviors have to stop.

I make it a point that after I tell a kid to stop twice and they continue to take them to the teachers room, tell their homeroom teacher what that kid did and then drag them into the principal's office as well.  Usually that stops it cold turkey and the days can go on freely.

But all in all I have to say that barring the sexual harassment issues, days at elementary schools are amazingly fun, exciting, and go by in a flash because you are constantly doing something.  I really am quite happy to be teaching in Japan.  I just wished I could find a position of a permanent nature.  Most teaching jobs for foreigners are contract work with the longest contracts lasting 5 years.  I really want to keep doing this job forever and am always on the lookout for a job that will allow me to retired being swarmed by kids in school!